Singles, we know this week can be really tough and frustrating. Well, Urban Culxure didn’t leave you out this year.Here’s an interesting discussion between our fashion editor Khotso Sibanda (KS) and rising socialite Linda Mpofu (LM) about the life of a single woman in 2018.
We serve you up with topics ranging from one night stands, to being a side-chick; to abstinence. Dig in…
KS: Happy Valentine’s Week. Any major plans for the day?
LM: Yeah, got a date with a female friend. We are both single so we decided to remind each other of our awesomeness as women over tea and cake. I can’t wait! You don’t have to be booed up to be reminded of how special you are.
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KS: A few countries actually celebrate Single Awareness Day S.A.D (sadly, that the acronym is sombre). Is it Valentines’ or S.A.D week for you?
LM: For me it isn’t S.A.D. I think it’s actually a chance to remind those that I love that they mean the most to me, and a chance for them to do the same. It doesn’t have to be a lover or crush, it can be my friend, mum, sister etc.
Everyone has someone they love or care for deeply so V’day shouldn’t be a sad day for anyone. I remember when I was sixteen my friend gave me one of the roses that she had received and that meant a lot to me.
KS: What are your thoughts on countless speakers and writers (mostly male), who give advice on having and keeping men?
LM: I don’t think there is anything wrong with men giving women advice on how to treat a man. I have a problem with there not being enough reading material on how men should keep or treat women. However, there isn’t a market for those books because society doesn’t place as much pressure on a man to keep a woman, as they do on women keeping men.
It’s also sad that women place a lot of value in these books, but then again I blame society. Plenty of men aren’t good at communicating and I feel this mostly has to do with the fragility of their egos. If only they knew how sexy it is when we don’t have to decode what they say and they actually speak up. These books only assist to some extent in figuring our partners out, however they can only do so much.
KS: What do you think about churches encouraging young adults to marry early in their lives?
LM: Churches and the rest of society should encourage young adults to engage in healthy relationships and look into marriage when they feel ready. The pressure to get married as early as possible is correlated with abusive relationships and divorce, in my opinion. I don’t believe in marriage having a deadline, or there being a time frame for marriage.
KS: Some singletons choose to abstain from sex, while others choose to explore their sexuality. Is there a wrong or right way to be single?
LM: Wow, I am scared to answer this, honestly without being judged, so I’ll keep my opinion to myself. However, what I can say is sex is an intense bond and something that should be shared in the safest way only with those that you deeply care about.
KS: There has always been a stigma when it comes to young women’s sexuality. Those who are sexually active are “slut shamed” and those who aren’t sexually active are prudes, what is your take on that?
LM: Well, I suppose women have always been emotionally constructed to look forward to being married and that finding a lifelong partner is the greatest achievement. For as long as I can remember, men (especially African men) feel that a woman’s virginity is the closest thing to her purity.
Once again it boils down to the fragility of male egos, the thought of another man having touched “his” woman makes him uneasy. As long as women are made to feel like finding a man is life’s greatest gift, what they do with their vaginas will always be an issue.
KS: Is it then wrong for a singleton to have a one-night-stand/ a “tap and strap” sexual encounter?
LM: I feel everyone has the right to do what they want provided no one gets hurt in the process. However, it’s much safer emotionally, physically and mentally not to engage in anything of the sort.
KS: Let’s discuss friends with (sexual) benefits
LM: I feel women value sex more than men do. Maybe it’s a sacred love language for us? I don’t know. So they most likely tend to be more emotionally attached for that reason. However, I feel that for one to be emotionally attached after sex, there would have been emotions stirring prior to the activity. So let’s just say women often catch feelings more intensely than men do.
KS: What advice would you give a young, single woman deliberating becoming a “side-chick”?
LM: There is no winning. Why waste your precious time, especially if you want long-term commitment, with hopes of being “Number 1” at some point? If you are a side-chick aspiring to be a main, when you finally get your title, someone else will fill your old slot.
KS: You’re in your mid-twenties, and I’m sure you’re being regularly greeted by Instagram wedding or “I Said Yes!” engagement pictures from peers. Have you started feeling pressured, stigmatised or ostracised for being single?
LM: Haha, yes. Two forms of pressure. Pressure from myself is one, because it would be nice to be happily married and have children raised in by both parents. However, I would never settle for an emotionally unavailable man. A day of glitz and glam is not worth waking up to misery every morning. The second is from family. I tell them what’s mine will find its way to me and when it does it will be at the perfect time.
KS: First dates can be daunting for even the calmest individual. How do you cope with the anxiety that comes with dating in 2018?
LM: I just don’t deal with it. I let it cripple me and be awkward haha. Okay, I’m kidding (sort of). On a serious note, I don’t hide my anxiety. I suck at being pretentious. I let them see the real me from the get go, cause eventually they will know about it as they get to know me more. I have been fortunate to have understanding partners in the past, and I am grateful for them, especially my last partner.
KS: Any advice for a singleton going on a first date this Valentine’s?
LM: DON’T HAVE A FIRST DATE AT HIS HOUSE and don’t be afraid to be you.
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